When Things Fall Apart

A friend gave me this card a few months after Ethan's death and I keep it stuck to my bulletin board, today I felt the need to pull it out and read it again, and thought it appropriately matched my feelings right now... "They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Well, what if you didn't sign up for extra-strength training?  What if you'd rather catch a few breaks once in awhile?  Is that so much to ask?  At some point, you'd think you'd be entitled to a free pass or two: Skip this challenge.  Avoid that crisis.  Delete these problems. It's not that you're not strong or that you don't have what it takes to get through this.  You are, you do, and you will.  But you've built enough character already, and its time for things to lighten up a little!  I know its not really my call, but if I were in charge of life's wheel of fortune, you'd get a free spin. And I'd be right there, cheering you on!" - Linda Barnes.  It feels like our carefully balanced tower of blocks of life is toppling around me and I can't do anything to stop the free fall.  No matter what we do, or how much we try things keep falling apart.  My husband has been out of work for a while now and is getting so frustrated with the job search process that he is now looking for a job overseas - another block just fell... I really need to see a doctor but haven't been able to since last July because our health benefits were tied to my husbands job and well we can't afford to buy into anything - there goes another block... I remain in a job that is overwhelming emotionally most days because we need the money - oops another one... I am walking in a constant fog lately - one foot in front of the other and I find myself not able to be the mother and wife that I desire to be - there go a few more...  I need a long peaceful break, and while there hopefully God chooses to reveal himself.  Our old pastor stopped by last night, unannounced, and proclaimed that it was time for us to move on - to get back into life/church and keep moving forward.  I wasn't aware that I ever departed this life - my life is not as it was before and never will be.  I have been profoundly changed, there is no going back... I just don't know how to go forward when the way is strewn with debris - I can't see where I am going - I feel certain that more terror is lurking ahead; and all I desperately want is a little relief.