Prepared

I found myself on January 31st with a desire to write about the concept of being prepared, but felt the need to move up my doctor's appointment a day instead and ended up going into labor a week earlier then our set induction date.   We can testify to what God has done in our lives - in all things, but especially in the birth of our NH miracle baby.  After months on long IVIG treatments, worry, anxiety, and our fair share of fear, God brought a perfectly healthy baby boy into our lives on the morning of February 1st.  After his birth I was able to hold and cuddle him for a while, something I had longed to do with Ethan and couldn't.  Then they took our little "warrior in the faith", Gideon, to the NICU to run the liver tests and the waiting began.  It was a short three hours later that we were told that we had a perfectly healthy little boy, and that I could feed him however I desired to and my again heart sang with gratitude for answered prayer.  As I gazed at my newest son I saw so much of myself in him (which is a first - the others look so much more like their Daddy), but I also saw through a sudden rush of tears that he has Ethan's eyes. I wasn't prepared for that.  As we spent a few days in the NICU working through a few preemie issues, I thought I had been prepared for going back in there - a place I never wanted to see, hear or smell again.  But the first time I was pushed through those doors and we went down the same hall we had walked daily to be with Ethan, and right past the room where he passed away in my arms - all of the emotions rushed back like it was yesterday.  I had to tell myself over and over again that this time was different, our miracle baby was fine and we were not going to leave another baby behind in that place.  As I spent a few days there, the emotions changed, and I found comfort in the dragonflies in the carpet outside the room and hanging from the ceiling in the hallway. i found comfort being surrounded by doctors and nurses who had known Ethan and cared for him, and who stopped by to talk, understand, and rejoice with us in our precious Gideon.  I was reminded that though my heart was so full with joy at the healthy arrival of our miracle baby and so overflowing with anguish at missing Ethan at the same time, this too shall pass.  I clung to God for strength, waiting and praying for that moment of triumph when I could walk out those doors with my baby in my arms, at the same time reminding myself that this journey of life is preparing me for the day when I will hold my angel baby in my arms outside of that NICU for the first time too.  The horrors of death and disease on earth cannot hold us forever - we have a much greater promise of joy and peace eternally in heaven when our journey here is done.  And though I had thought about how it would be, I was not prepared for the rush of joy and freedom felt as I left the NICU to go home with our Gideon in my arms.  Only by the grace of God are we here in this moment and only for His glory do we rejoice!