I Wanted So Much For You...

We were given this poem at our infant grief group meeting last night.  It was written by Maria LaFond Visscher, as she grieved her child's death.  It speaks so much of what my heart cries, and so I wanted to share it here.

In honor of my baby who died:

I wanted so much for you, my sweet little baby,
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to work with you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you, not bury you in your last dress.
I wanted to hear the sounds of your crying for me at night,
not my own sounds of crying for you at night.

I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon the grave,
I wanted to see you asleep in your nursery, not in the casket.
I wanted to give you life, not have you see death,
I wanted to show you off, not go on alone without you.
I wanted to comb your soft and silky hair, not save a lock of it.

I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams of you,
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not have empty arms,
I wanted to walk late with you at night, and now I feel so alone.
I wanted so much for you,
My newly born, newly gone... baby and child that I longed for.
I wanted so much more... I wanted you.