"Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle."

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Just Believe

I have not written in a while partially because I had so much to say I did not even know where to start, and partially because I feel like I have been holding my breath and that acknowledging my feelings and thoughts will make it all too true.  One of my precious sons revealed to me last night that I am not alone in my silent worries right now and reminded me that sharing with those I love even when it is hard is so much better then holding it in.  My oldest son came into my room last night looooooooong after he should have been asleep to tell me that he just could not sleep.  (so very much so my own experience every night lately)  I figured that he was excited about Christmas coming, as that is all they can talk about lately, but asked him "why?"  anyway - sure that I knew the answer.  Boy, was I rocked back on my all knowing heals when he said quietly, and while looking at the floor, "Mommy, do you remember when you came home from the hospital last time and I asked you where Ethan was, and you said that he was in heaven and never coming home to our house."  I swallowed and breathed deeply before I answered, and managed to squeak out a "Yes".  He said, "I am worried about that."  Then he looked up at me in that, "Okay Mom, you can take it from here" expression.   Again I swallowed - trying to control my own pounding heart, ugly fears, and sudden tears.  I tentatively asked him if he was worried that that would happen again with this baby, and all he could do was nod yes as he crawled into my arms and cried.  So we both had a good cry and talked and then I tucked him back into bed, only to return to my own with a racing mind and so much anxiety there was no way I was going to sleep any time soon.  I am trying so hard not to worry, but to have faith and just believe that God hears, God has granted, and God will carry us through.  I want so much to believe that all will be well and my boys will not have to grieve the loss of another sibling or myself another child.  We just had our 31 week ultrasound and everything looks good and the weekly IVIGs are nearing their end, but still I can't help but daily fight fear and anxiety.  I have been having a hard time getting things ready at home for this baby.  I remember all to clearly how heart wrenchingly painful it was to pack up Ethan's things when he never came home to use them and I do not want to go through that again.  We recently made a decision though - it live out our faith and our belief that God hears and is answering our desperate bended knee prayers, and set up the nursery.  As I have carefully organized everything I find myself making a mental list of where I have put each baby item around our house so that if I need to, I can quickly pack it all away again.  And yet, I continue - to set up, organize, and dare to dream that not too many weeks from now the sounds of our home will frequently be made that much noisier by the beautiful sounds of a crying baby at all hours of the day and night.  In this Christmas season I keep coming across made for TV movies, cards, and songs that remind the viewer/listener to "Believe", and I have taken that mantra up for myself.  When I start to worry or be overwhelmed by anxiety I breath in and close my eyes and exhale "just believe".  Sometimes I have to do it over and over and over again, but it feels like a big step forward for me in this journey.  That I am even embracing the idea (however tentative it might be at times) of believing and hoping only in God as he has his hand of protection on our family and this precious little life.