Waiting in the Silence

Lately, as I do only those things that are within my power to do for my child, within, I still feel so incredible helpless.  I have to leave the rest up to God - as it is all in His hands anyway.  It is just really hard - to continue to pray every day for a miracle and dare to hope for one, but to be met with silence.  I know that God works and is at work even when we can't see it, but oh I really need to see it!  As I have witnessed more fellow NH moms give birth over the past two months and have seen more negative outcomes then positive ones, my heart falls within in me and I scream out, "Please God not us too!!!", and I am met with silence.  I beg for reassurance, and even as I went to another ultrasound this week and everything looks great at this point that isn't reassuring, because at this point with Ethan everything looked fine too.  And in reality we won't know anything about the health of this child until the moment he/she is born, and the tests come back.  We have gotten to the point now where we are looking forward in hope to the birth of this child, but it is tinged by its fair share of fear.  Just last night my husband and I were talking on the way home from running errands and marveling at how quickly the weeks have flown by, and how soon we will be at our target week date; then we both just fell into the deep silence of our own thoughts, trying in vain to smile at each other in hope but both still so acutely remembering Ethan's birth and the horror that followed.  And so we pray that there will be joy in this birth, and that we will continue to walk through the silence in faith - believing that God is performing a miracle within me.  My greatest hope is for a healthy child - but beyond that I yearn to breastfeed this baby like I have my others.  It is what I longed to do for Ethan and never could and to this day that remains my deepest hurt of the time I stood helplessly by his side.  But, this baby has to be born with no signs of NH for me to do that, and I want so desperately to do so - I long for the bond that is just mine with my baby - but I am afraid to ask God for it.  It is ridiculous really - I should be totally focused on a healthy baby no matter what the implications might be following testing and yet a huge part of me is hung up on what comes after.  But that is the reality in which I find myself - in a place of hope and fear constantly swirled together - surrounded by silence.  Even thought my husband and I have each other through this process and I have the amazing support of the other moms whom have also traveled this road - each case is unique though no one knows why and again we have no answers and again we wait in silence - praying and hoping that all will be well but not knowing that it will be.  So in that difficult waiting place - we strive to love this little one and pray so desperately that God wills a miracle for us.