this time...this time...this time...

We have a movie that the boys enjoy getting out every once in a while, it is a really cute movie about the life of bees, and there is one part of that movie that always has them in giggles.  The bee is trying to get back outside after he gets in to get away from a storm, but the window has been shut and he keeps trying - flying himself into the glass and bouncing off, saying, "this time...this time...this time...".  I feel like that bee today.  Spring is here, and everyone has emerged from their homes after the long winter, and are out strolling the blocks.  Those who are pregnant are showing off their bellies, and those who had babies during the winter months are out proudly strolling them around.  Conversations are happening as neighbors reconnect, catching up on what is new since the winter shut us in.  Once again we don't get to join the parade or share anything new, as everything is the same.  I find myself in the roll of the bee, captured inside the glass house of struggling to have a healthy pregnancy and baby for the past three years.  I find myself thrown against the glass time and time again hoping this time, only to find it is not to be.  I was so filled with hope, as Spring approached, for the first time since Ethan's death.  I had met some amazing women who have given me great courage, I have been reconnecting within myself with God; felt like I was finally making progress on the path of healing and being alive again, and we had even begun talking about trying again.  Then one and a half weeks ago we found out we were pregnant.  Elation!  Joy!  Some fear yes, but hopeful that this time would be the time.  Only to have that joy last five days before another life slipped away from ours.  So I stand inside my glass house, watching the world, and wondering why I am trapped inside this body and this pain.  Do I keep going, keep trying, or do I give in to the reality of the glass and the pain in my way and learn to live where I am.  I don't know if I am strong enough to keep throwing myself against the glass hoping that this time will be the time, honestly I am getting really sore and I need a rest.  So I return to the beginning of my journey, one step at a time....