As I sit here in front of my computer this morning there are tears running down my cheeks, creating a pool on the desk. Today it is two years since Ethan entered our lives - so small and obviously so unwell and we had no idea what was coming... It still breaks my heart that I could not do more for him. Last year I held my breath as the first birthday and angelversary approached and passed - it was agony. This year the days have just come marching forward and for some reason it is harder. I always thought that more distance of time would help but it actually makes it worse... I am so in love with our new blessing baby and because of the IVIG treatment he is asleep right now in his crib, but he will never know his big brother, and someday we will explain to him about the brother who came before. My oldest asked me yesterday what I think Heaven is like and what Ethan is doing right now, and like any teacher I turned the question around back to him (honestly I couldn't have said anything at that moment without blubbering) and he said "Heaven is full of sunshine, grass, flowers, butterflies, and dragonflies and it smells like outside in the spring after it rains. And there are angels and they taught Ethan to walk and he loves to play with all the other babies." There is so much comfort in that belief, but so much agony as well. As I have missed so much of him, and I think of what he would be doing today on his second birthday. More then anything I wish I could be making him a cake right now instead of a blog post. So today in remembrance of him we will send him birthday balloons, and keep loving each other through the hard times and depending on God to get us through the storms.
I love you to pieces little Ethan...I want to hold your hand and brush your hair...I want to hold you and never stop...I miss you baby so so so very much!