Missing...

I find myself this week with the feeling of incredibly empty arms...  I know that I have two wonderful boys to cuddle and hold (when they will sit still long enough for a brief moment of mommy time), but I find myself yearning this week for my baby.  I miss Ethan with a depth that I haven't felt since the first weeks after his passing.  Maybe it is because of our recent miscarriage, maybe because his first birthday in heaven is approaching, maybe it is because of the conversations we have been having about placing a stepping stone made by his brothers and a plant at his burial site this spring, or maybe it is a combination of all things...  I find myself missing his soft baby skin, and the way his long fingers curled themselves around mine and hung on, and how he would fuss when I tried to slip my finger out of his small hand.  I miss his beautiful straight black hair - so soft and so unlike his older brothers.  I miss the way he curled into me the first time I held him, after he was born, and sighed.  I miss his deep chocolate brown eyes, and how wide they were and how wise they were as they stared into my own.  I miss how he would turn his head to follow me around his bassinet in the NICU, and how he responded to his Baba's voice for the first time.  I miss the smell of his baby skin, and the sound of his soft breathing.  I miss that I never got to cuddle him on my chest.  I miss that I never got to feed him.  I miss that he met his brothers once when he was out in this world, and looked at them and they him - the only time they connected as brothers.  I miss that I never got to change his dirty diaper.  I miss that the only bath I gave him was after he was still and gone from us.  I miss that his cry never woke me up in the night.  I so desperately miss all those things that we will miss with Ethan - knowing his favorite foods, hearing his first word, teaching him how to crawl and walk, discovering what it is that he is passionate about, helping him develop his interests and abilities, and watching him be a brother and son.  Ethan was briefly a part of our lives, and some days it is hard to believe that he was even here, but then my heart breaks open and pours sorrow and I know that all that he gave to us and left us with is more profound then anyone else has ever given me.  And I know that though I miss him now, someday I will see him face to face and I will hold my baby, cuddle my son, and the heartbreak of today will be no more.