Forgiveness

Since Ethan's death I have felt bathed in pain - mostly from grief but it has often been compounded by the well meant comments of others or the comments from others that they did not think about before they made.  I have taken these hurtful comments or actions personally and allowed them to compound my pain with anger and disbelief at the other persons inability to think about how that might have just affected me!  "What audacity! - How could they?! - How dare they?! - Do they not think?!" - all of these thoughts have floated through my mind after an unfortunate encounter with the cluelessly thoughtless.  The thing is - in my disbelief at their unfeeling words and actions I held on to the pain they caused me.  I held on and let it fester - taking me deeper into the quicksand of focusing my pain and frustrations at where I currently find myself in life on others.  I have been reading a devotional book by an amazing woman - she has 7 children - three on earth and four in heaven.  She is an inspiration to me as she has found a way through her pain to reach out and hold on to God - a feat I have yet to accomplish.  I just finished a section on Forgiveness.  She talked about forgiving yourself for whatever guilt and what ifs you may carry.  She also talked about forgiving others in the words of Jesus, " Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing..."  That really struck me - forgive them for they do not know... they do NOT know!  I stopped to think about all the pain I had held on to because of the unfortunate things said or done since Ethan's death and realized that not a one of those who had committed these seemingly horrific acts knew - they have never been here - they have never lost a child - they have never buried a son - they have never faced an uncertain future like this - fraught with anxiety over whether or not another pregnancy will ever happen and if it does if that baby will survive or if we will be faced with the burial of another part of our hearts.   I found myself in that moment able to let go of the anger and pain and forgave them - each of them...I suddenly felt lighter...then she asked if I had also forgiven God.  I sucked in a breath...much harder...God knew...God knows and yet he allowed it anyway.  I still can't wrap my head around that and see a loving Father who wants for me a hope and a future.  I do not deny that He is and is here in this journey - we occasionally see His fingerprints even if we don't hear His voice.  But, forgiveness is another step..one I am not sure I can yet take.