Help for the soul

Since Ethan's unexpected death, and the crushing of our future dreams of loving pregnancy and experiencing a growing family I have tried many things to help me cope.  It stems from my social work and psychology education - the desire to give help only now it is to myself.  I have read scores of books ranging from heavy topics to mindless novels.  I have tried the occasional glass of wine or cocktail (which only gave me headaches).  I tried hiding everything that reminded me - only to realize that it is extremely difficult to hide my own mind and constant broken heart.  I have tried organizing and reorganizing every nook and cranny of my house - and anyone who knows me can tell you finding something in need of organizing is difficult in my home.  I set up a strict pattern of chores and things to be done every day and tried to focus on and live from one task to the other.  We took an infant loss grief class.  I tried listening to inspirational music.  We tried spending more time in church, only to realize that being in the building where we introduced so many to Ethan and said good-bye at the same time was not helping.  All of a sudden a few weeks ago, I realized something - none of those things were helping me.  I was existing yes, but I was not healing.  I was pretending that all was fine within myself and I was trying to live without dealing with my hurt and pain.  Numbing the pain or finding ways to live with the pain was not healing with the pain.  So I did something about it.  I closed the basement door, put my Bon Jovi mix CD on and selected repeat on the song "You Give Love a Bad Name.", I cranked it up a high as it could go and then proceeded to empty out  and sort through all of the baby items I had shoved into storage along with my dreams and cried my eyes out.   But, I did more than that I let go at God.  Bon Jovi's song yelled out what my heart and mouth couldn't put together...my extreme disappointment towards the God of love who I asked to be there for us; whom I have begged for the lives of two of my children from and I let my anger out.  By the end I had accomplished a lot of organizing and a lot of soul care.  Letting go and letting it out...important and yet this was just a start... I sense a lot of Bon Jovi therapy to come.