Failure

It happened again this week... someone else I know just told me that she is pregnant; and later on that same day my heart stopped for a split second was ripped out and stomped on when a child innocently proclaimed to my youngest son, "That is my baby, you don't have a baby!"  It isn't that I am not happy for people who are pregnant or having children, my two sons are the greatest blessing of my life and I can't stand how quiet our house gets when they are visiting Grandpa and Grandma.  But every time I see another pregnant woman or see a family with three children in tow or have the daily conversation with my boys that they want to have about when mommy will have another baby in her tummy, I feel like a complete and utter failure.  Like all of the neon lights with big blinking arrows have just turned on and are pointing at me in all of their illuminating glory screaming out "She isn't capable!", "Her body kills her babies!", "She failed to give her boys a sibling!", "She failed to have a daughter for her husband to adore!", "She failed, she failed she failed!"  Why?, why do I allow myself it get sucked into this huge hole of icy muck that just pulls me under.  I was having a good weekend, feeling positive and slightly hopeful for the future - something I haven't felt for a long time, and then someone else tells me they can get pregnant and don't possess with every indrawn breath the fear of their baby dieing.  Being a mother had become how I defined myself, it was the role I was in at this point in life and I was happy and content in it, and now that God has told me that I can't just add to my family as we desire too - I feel like I am a boat out on the vast ocean with out its rudder.  I suddenly don't know who I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to do, and I long for an answer.  But, that is the hardest part, finding a new definition for me, when everything around me is screaming failure at what I was.  It is hard to pull myself out from under the weight of that.  God made me strong enough to live past the death of my child, and I just pray that I am strong enough to get out from under the chest crushing mound of failure that has poured itself down over me.