"Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle."

Friday, January 28, 2011

Through the Eyes of a Child

I am always acutely aware of my oldest two boy's responses to Ethan's sudden departure from our lives.  They spent my pregnancy with him very excited - Simon more so than Reuben.  (At one point Reuben was determined that he could take the baby out and eat it so that the baby was all gone.)  He soon warmed up to the idea and was joining his big brother in feeling the baby kick and kissing the baby and yelling at the baby through my belly button.  Telling the boys that Ethan would never be coming home to the carefully prepared space that they had helped create was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  They both cried, deep guttural cries of anguish like I have never heard before.  They both know the cemetery a block before we drive by it, and Reuben still asks on occasion when we can take Ethan out of the box in the ground so that he can play with him.  I wear a locket around my neck almost daily that contains a lock of Ethan's hair and his picture.  They will crawl up on my lap look at it and talk about their baby brother and say that they wish he could come back.  It breaks my heart.  But what breaks my heart even more are the prayers they pray faithfully every night for God to give mommy more babies, Simon would especially like a sister, but then they qualify their prayer, asking that God let the babies live this time.  Every time I hear that my heart breaks even more.  They have even begun asking when we will have a baby again, and I finally told them that it is hard for mommy to think about that right now.  That mommy is still very sad that Ethan is not with us, and that if mommy and baba have another baby mommy would have to go to the doctor a lot and that it would be scary for mommy.  But, I told them that it is good for them to continue to pray, and that God hears their prayers, and a secret part of me wishes and hopes with every once of me that He will hear the prayers of children even if right now my faith isn't strong enough to believe that He hears me.  After we had that discussion Simon started another prayer, asking God to give mommy more babies who live, but that if He does not want to do that if He could please give him a puppy to play with instead.  And just today, I realized how much my oldest has internalized and thinks about Ethan's death.  He was sitting next to me on the couch when he suddenly announced that he knows what it means to be really afraid.  I thought he was going to talk about shadows in the dark or monsters under the bed, but then he said, "I know that monsters and ghosts are not real, and that shadows and bad dreams are just things my mind makes up, but Ethan really died, and that makes me afraid."  He couldn't really explain to me in words why he had so much fear, but that it was because Ethan died.  All I could do was hold him and tell him that that is why we need to love each other and help other people so that the world is not such a scary place.  My heart aches for these two little boys who have lost some innocence from their childhood and had to grow up too fast this last year.  I feel guilty for putting it upon them, even though I would have done anything to protect them from this.  But, it also helps me to rise above my own fear, knowing their faith and their resilience to live life fully.  They make me a better person and for that I am grateful.   

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