Broken Heart

Writing has become difficult lately...Christmas, that was an experience, and the amount of time it is taking my heart to heal from it is astounding.  I wish that at the new year one could leave all the baggage you were carrying from the previous year at 11:59pm, just drop it with a resounding, thrilling, and satisfying thud on the floor behind you, and open the door to the new year, walk through it and shut it without looking back.  Imagine the lightness of that new year, able to walk again unburdened, head up, and whistling a happy tune with a lightness of heart looking no where but onward and upward.  Oh how I would love that possibility.  With a smack in your face reality I found something this Holiday season.  No one around me, who used to be my support system understands me.  Some of them are trying, some of them have walked away when I need them the most, and some have decided that it is time for me to move on already.  What a lot of people who have never been here do not understand is that loosing a child is not like loosing a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, or sibling - we have experienced all of those in some shape or form in our home, so we have comparative knowledge.  All of those others are part of your life and they make a impact upon it and when they depart this world they leave a hole within us.  But when you loose a child you have lost a part of yourself.  It rocks your world, your self worth, your dreams, your hopes, your worldview, and your relationship with God.  It is also something you can ever move on from - Ethan and his death and the impacts upon our family and our future are a part of us now and forever, we can't change that.  I desperately want people that understand something about me.  I don't ask for help, it is not within me.  For many reasons, I think it is faster and easier to do it on my own and that way I can make sure it is done right, or because I know that there are so many suffering around me, and how is what I am going through "good enough" to qualify for help.  Maybe that is the social worker in me, always have to justify to bosses and the government why a hurting individual qualifies for help.  I have to prove their hurt enough to make their humanity matter.  That seems so wrong to me.  We are all human first, we all have pain in our lives, and we should all be able to think about another person and how they are feeling and reach out.  Right now I feel awash in a sea of loneliness because two of the people I love the most in the world have seemingly stopped caring.  I asked for help with something before Christmas in as effort to ease the holiday experience and I was flatly ignored.  It wasn't something to spend any money on, it was just moving a piece of baby furniture from a room that I have to sleep in when visiting, and they couldn't do it for one night.  Then the astounding ridicule came when we wanted to leave early to spend a little time by Ethan's grave, and I was hurt beyond words.  I will never get a holiday with all of my family together and if we want to spend a few minutes by the stone of our son, sending him kisses then we should be allowed to do that with hugs and blessing not with hurt.  I was accused of ruining Christmas rather then met with understanding.  So, I tried in my hurt and pain and loneliness to reach out and I opened my mouth and I asked for help.  I made myself more vulnerable then I already feel and it was smashed in my face.  So it is with an even heavier heart that I start this new year, not filled with hope, or joy.  After loosing Ethan I prayed that the knife wouldn't be plunged in any deeper, I prayed that the pain would lessen and fade, unfortunately it is getting worse.  I can't insulate myself from the people around me, and I know that life is always filled with pain, but when do I get to stand up and cry "ENOUGH ALL READY!!!!!!"