"Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Fear

Reuben was sick this past weekend.  My normally highly energetic, never say no, loud, and inquisitive little guy was running one minute and the next was suddenly really quiet.  He climbed into my lap and said "Mommy, I'm so tired."  I was stunned, Reuben, who would never admit that he was tired, even if you bribed him with all of the chocolate in the world - which is saying something since he lists chocolate as his favorite food, was lying limp in my lap and could barely keep his eyes open.  I was so suddenly overcome by fear when I realized that he was suddenly very warm, visions of sitting by a hospital bed flew through my mind, and the tears poured down my cheeks.  I was up all night with Reuben, even as he slept peacefully I kept checking his temp (which never got higher then 101 by the way) my heart in my throat.  I hovered over him the whole next day, even as he kept saying "Mommy I'm okay, I'm not sick anymore."  I know that I was being completely irrational, and often happens that something that would have never fazed me before now strikes terror into my heart and I can hardly breath.  Fear...such a small word but such a big part of my life.  Fear feels like a constant companion some days, like I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop.  Every time the phone rings I jump.  Every time I walk past the closet under the steps, where all our baby stuff is stored, I feel fear trying to take hold.  Every time I allow myself to start thinking and worrying about tomorrow it rears its ugly head yet again, and along with it comes its best friend panic.  I understand how fear can paralyze, how it can destroy.  I get its power, but I have also found a way to tell it to back off, so that it feels like it is hovering behind me rather staring me in the face.  It is simple really, well not really, but once I figured it out it felt simple. Here it is: Only think about today, and let tomorrow be there tomorrow!  Ha!  My great wisdom.  It seems that I always knew this truth, but never really had to practice it.  I have always functioned under the odd understanding that if I worry about what is to come enough I will be able to ensure the outcome, or something like that.  Now, in this moment, having to live in not knowing what is going to happen next and fearing the worst if I start to think about it I find it more comforting to focus on today.  To cherish the moment I am in right now before I move on to the next one.  I feel that it gets me up out of bed in the morning and keeps me going through the day.  I cherish every smile, every laugh, and even all the naughty things that my two little ones do.  I cherish them - I ponder them and I hold them in my heart.  This Christmas I feel a real connection to Mary - she loved her Son, lost Him, and was reunited with Him in Glory.  She knew fear before He was even born - she didn't know what was coming and yet she cherished everything within her.  What a lesson for all of us.  There is a popular Christmas song, "Breath of Heaven", that I used to love because of its haunting melody and the words of Mary.  Now, the song grips me and I have to stop, close my eyes, and let the tears fall in my heart as I cry out, "Breath of Heaven hold me together, be forever near me, breath of Heaven..."

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