Waiting to Sing

I grew up in a family of musically talented people, we all play instruments and have good singing voices.  Every Sunday and most Christian Holidays we would gather around the piano and have a good Hymn sing.  I loved to sing...I would make up songs in the car on vacation when I was little and drive my brothers crazy...I would sing myself to sleep at night...I sang in my car...I hummed while I worked.  When I had children I loved putting them to bed at night.  I would rock them and sing a whole list of songs to them each and every night.  That all changed the day Ethan died.  As I held him after they removed him from the respirator I felt so compelled to sing "Jesus Loves Me" to him, but the words stuck in my throat.  It was after that I stopped singing.  I just can't anymore.  I can hum along with the music or sing the words in my head, but I just can't make them come out my mouth.  I have tried to find ways to get myself singing again and nothing has worked...I finally decided that it was just a product of my grief and someday I would heal enough to sing again.  I honestly thought that singing was one of those things I would get back in my life after Gideon's arrival.  I have always loved rocking and singing my babies to sleep at night, but I can't.  I rock him and try - I have tried several times in fact but it just falls flat and eventually fades away.  My husband and I were able to go out alone just the two of us two weeks ago for my birthday - it was to a Christian music concert - it was powerful and I loved it.  It was there that I came to realize what the ongoing grief of my son had taken from me - my ability to praise out loud.  I miss it, but every time I try my throat clogs up with unshed tears and I can't make it work.  Reality is, I am still Ethan's mommy, and He is still separated from me by death, and I still grieve very very deeply.  So deeply I often can't put it into words...let alone raise my voice in joyful praise.