For Such A Time As This

After Ethan's death my husband and I strove to live one day at a time.  It was very difficult putting one foot in front of the other, and doing the tasks required of that day - it was way to much to think about beyond the next 24 hours.  But being human our minds would drift off to the what is going to happen next and the waves of anxiety and panic would set it.  For the sake of pure survival we had to learn to push away thoughts of tomorrow or even 2 hours from now and focus tunnel vision on what we were doing at that moment.  As almost a year has passed that tension and anxiety has eased a bit, but the pain remains.  The past is full of pain and I don't want to relive it in my thoughts, and thoughts of the future are full of yearning for things that may never be and that causes heartache.  The safest place to be is in the present - totally in the moment.   I have found the need to immerse myself in the here and now - to sink myself into it and let it envelope me.  But that has also not been easy - I would try - really try to keep my thoughts on what was at hand instead of what had been or what may never be and I found myself exhausted by the end of each day from the never ending thought correction ping-pong.  Then a finger print of God moment happened.  Last summer we went on a forced vacation for a family wedding - it was hard because we had been planning this trip with the thoughts of driving 30 hours with three boys - one 6 weeks old - going on the trip at all was heart wrenching and as we left I felt a moment of sheer panic at leaving.  While on that trip I met an amazing woman who was a bright spot in a deeply emotional time and I was thankful for that.  The thing is I did not realize was how much God was going to use her in my life.  Recently she sent me the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp - in the hauntingly beautifully poetic way she writes she is sharing her heart wrenching journey to live fully right where you are.  As I started reading I thought that this is what we are trying to do - to live every day in the moment and it was hard and not a lot of fun.  As I read Ann's words I came to realize that I was forcing myself through the days by sheer force of will and was focusing on tasks - there is no joy in that and it certainly is not a path to peace.  I am still savoring her words - but I have come to realize that I was going through living each moment completely wrong.  Instead of focusing on the tasks that keep me in the moment I am instead focusing my thoughts into one long prayer of thankfulness each day.  This past Thanksgiving holiday I said that I could not find the words to thank God for what He had done in our lives through the losses of our precious babies, but I can now utter thankfulness for those things that fill my life each day and give it fullness.  Things as monumental as my wonderful husband and two healthy boys, and as simple as the glorious sunshine streaming through my dining room window, the return of the finches to our backyard after a long winter, or the purr of our cat as she curls up in my lap at the end of a long day - my heart stretches, warms, and sighs contentment.  I never thought I would say that - that what I was feeling was content at this point in my journey - it is still a daily lesson I work through but I can say that my heart is beginning to feel peace.  Today as I write this I utter my thankfulness prayer beginning with gratitude for the person and words God used to pour healing on my heart for such a time as this...