The Lost Brotherhood

I run a childcare out of my home.  I started it 5 years ago so that I could spend time with my own children and still generate income - it is hard for a social worker to work from home. :)  Running a childcare has been interesting since loosing Ethan, but for the most part I have been able to separate my grief of loosing my own child from caring for other people's children.  The part that is proving difficult is my reflections.  As I hold another infant and knowing I was cheated from seeing Ethan make developmental progress or never got the chance to feed him.  But even sadder still, is when I see my older two interact with the little ones and how caring and gentle they are.  They are always the first to sing a song or dance a silly dance to help calm down an upset infant.  They will search high and low to look for a missing toy or pacifier.  I weep tears on the inside as I am smiling and encouraging them on the outside.  They have missed the opportunity to be Ethan's big brothers - and they would have been good at it.  They will never know the joy of teaching him things and helping him learn.  All those things that go along with being brothers - the secret languages, inside jokes, and crazy creative things they come up with to do.  I miss that for them.  Instead they blow their baby brother kisses  up to heaven each night and still cry from time to time.  We have pictures of Ethan around the house and they recently requested one for their room.  I am glad that they had the chance to meet Ethan twice while he was still living - it was hard to explain to them why he would never come home, and their grief was shattering to my heart, but, despite that, it was the right thing to do.  They wanted to bury Ethan with the beanie baby chick and bunny that they picked out for him, so that he would have toys in Heaven.  He is very real to them and is their baby brother, present tense.  My three year old has had a more difficult time understanding the whole thing.  After Ethan's burial he kept asking to go and get his baby brother out of the ground so that they could play.  He no longer asks that, but understands that he is in Heaven.  They are excited about sending Ethan a balloon with a love message on it for his birthday.  I don't think they will ever truly understand the fact that they are missing a relationship with their baby brother - they have one.  A very unique and special relationship from here to heaven, evidenced as my oldest says, by the dragonflies, moon, and stars.