"Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Hope...or lack there of...

It has been four months since we were in the heart of the struggle, and two even three months ago I would have told you that we were coming through the grieving process amazingly well.  I even read a book in that time that shared another mother's story and she said it gets harder, and I thought we were not going to experience that.  But, as I have recently found out she was completely right.  I don't know why or what has happened to really change things, other than the realities seem so much clearer.  Which is odd in a way - I knew the same information before and had the same  feelings, but now they are just so much more pronounced.  Every time my thoughts turn to Ethan and the realities of life now, I feel a sock to my gut - my ability to breath is taken away and I turn into a faucet of tears.  Not tears I can silently control, but gut wrenching, soak through a Kleenex box, and end up with a headache tears.  Everything is overwhelming and I just wish I could get past it or get rid of the feelings, but as more people as my husband how I am doing and they share with him their personal experiences of loosing a child, they always share that the pain never goes away and that for many, even though it is years later, they still cry some nights.  I am not excited about living in this for the rest of my days...how to get beyond the despair and find hope and joy again?...  That is another thing that I have found.  People are quicker to come up to my husband and ask him how I am doing, then ask me directly.  I DIDN'T DIE!  MY CHILD DID!  They maybe are doing that to spare me or themselves the emotions, but it actually hurts more.  It makes me feel so very alone, and that everyone else has forgotten Ethan and no longer cares about our pain.  I know that life goes on, but I don't get to go on beyond this pain and reality, I take it with me wherever I go into the future.  It has become a part of who I am, the question is how do I let it define me now?  How to I find hope from the sorrow?  Is it a matter of time, or something I have to learn how to live with through time?...

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