Finding Myself

Have you ever heard the saying "I have left to find myself, if I return please keep me here until I get back."  Cute, but true.   As a busy mother, wife, and business woman I have often felt that I had lost who I was - those important details that make me comfortable and happy being me.  I suppose that comes from giving to and encouraging others so much throughout my day that I do not have energy left over for myself.  This journey that I am currently on is forcing me to find myself again.  It all really started as a crisis of faith, as I began questioning everything that I have ever believed to be true about God and my relationship with Him.  As I travel this road I know that that part of my journey is very important, but not, interestingly, the only aspect of it that needs a renewal.  I have come to the realization that I need a realization of spirit.  In that process I have begun doing things again that I have loved, hobbies I guess you could call them, but thing that have been put aside over the past 7 years in favor of meeting the needs of my husband and children.  Don't get me wrong, I am still meeting their needs, but the difference is that I am admitting that I have needs too, and I am taking the time to meet them.  If that means that I need some time alone to journal and cry then I let them know I need quiet time.  The thing that I have learned through this process is that amazingly I have lived for years believing that they wanted me to go go go and do do do and I was growing resentful which really affected my marriage and my relationship with my boys.  Now that I am honest about what I need for myself and am guiltlessly taking that time I feel renewed and am able to be a better wife and mother even as I am on this journey of sorrow in my life.  And have found that they do not resent that, but actually encourage me to do so.  My oldest has given to asking me, when he can tell I am tired or out of sorts, "Mommy do you need to go to the Japanese Garden?" (my favorite place of rest) :)  So what am I doing for myself?  I am embroidering again - making fun surprises for people I love.  I am reading again, for fun, not just for knowledge.  I am taking black and white photos again.  And, ready for this....I am exercising again - it has been 7 years since I really did anything "real" in that area - it hurts, but is amazing!  It took this, this moment of sorrow to completely change my life and my perspectives in it.  I wish it hadn't.  I can see that I let the pressures that I felt or put on myself take over who I was in my daily life, and the results were all negative.  Those things also kept me from a deeper relationship with God, and I pray that that relationshipw will be renewed stronger then ever, even though I am very confused and angry right now, I am still seeking.  Now, that I feel there is nothing I could loose or nothing anyone could say that would affect me as greatly as what I have experienced I feel the freedom to re explore me; and so far I am liking what I am finding.  My hope would be that anyone reading this will take the time to examine who they are and live their lives in joyful freedom - celebrating the gift of who you are as a person both to yourself and the people around you.  You are here for a purpose - find it - live it - love it!