All I Want For Christmas

There are many popular Christmas songs sharing what the artist wants for Christmas, two front teeth, grown up Christmas gifts like good will toward mankind, etc.   My husband asked me a week ago what I want for Christmas, he like so many men is a procrastination Santa!  I had to think about it... hard... it isn't like there are not things that I would love to have that would ease a daily chore or would just be fun, but I don't really want any of that.  They are just things that will one day no longer be useful or will break, this Christmas I would love, with all of me, to get what can't be wrapped in a brightly colored package under my tree: 
I want joy: I want that feeling of lightness of my heart and a warmth in my soul that is constant pouring itself into all of me; I want to be able to smile and laugh and have it reach my eyes. 
I want peace: I want to be able to close my eyes at night and have no replays of May stream through my mind, I want to be able to watch my children play and not have a heavy heart creep in and take up residence for the ones I will never be able to watch play, and I want fear to no longer be my companion.  
I want hope:  I want to feel alive again instead of half dead, I want to be the optimist that I used to be, and dream a new dream. 
I want time: Whatever I need to heal and be okay with that, to be and do what I am to do next and the blessing of knowing what that is, and to live each day for what is in it.   
I know there are boxes for me from my wonderful husband and two precious boys under our tree, and I am sure that whatever they contain will delight, but they will not heal my heart and that is all I really want for Christmas.

Fear

Reuben was sick this past weekend.  My normally highly energetic, never say no, loud, and inquisitive little guy was running one minute and the next was suddenly really quiet.  He climbed into my lap and said "Mommy, I'm so tired."  I was stunned, Reuben, who would never admit that he was tired, even if you bribed him with all of the chocolate in the world - which is saying something since he lists chocolate as his favorite food, was lying limp in my lap and could barely keep his eyes open.  I was so suddenly overcome by fear when I realized that he was suddenly very warm, visions of sitting by a hospital bed flew through my mind, and the tears poured down my cheeks.  I was up all night with Reuben, even as he slept peacefully I kept checking his temp (which never got higher then 101 by the way) my heart in my throat.  I hovered over him the whole next day, even as he kept saying "Mommy I'm okay, I'm not sick anymore."  I know that I was being completely irrational, and often happens that something that would have never fazed me before now strikes terror into my heart and I can hardly breath.  Fear...such a small word but such a big part of my life.  Fear feels like a constant companion some days, like I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop.  Every time the phone rings I jump.  Every time I walk past the closet under the steps, where all our baby stuff is stored, I feel fear trying to take hold.  Every time I allow myself to start thinking and worrying about tomorrow it rears its ugly head yet again, and along with it comes its best friend panic.  I understand how fear can paralyze, how it can destroy.  I get its power, but I have also found a way to tell it to back off, so that it feels like it is hovering behind me rather staring me in the face.  It is simple really, well not really, but once I figured it out it felt simple. Here it is: Only think about today, and let tomorrow be there tomorrow!  Ha!  My great wisdom.  It seems that I always knew this truth, but never really had to practice it.  I have always functioned under the odd understanding that if I worry about what is to come enough I will be able to ensure the outcome, or something like that.  Now, in this moment, having to live in not knowing what is going to happen next and fearing the worst if I start to think about it I find it more comforting to focus on today.  To cherish the moment I am in right now before I move on to the next one.  I feel that it gets me up out of bed in the morning and keeps me going through the day.  I cherish every smile, every laugh, and even all the naughty things that my two little ones do.  I cherish them - I ponder them and I hold them in my heart.  This Christmas I feel a real connection to Mary - she loved her Son, lost Him, and was reunited with Him in Glory.  She knew fear before He was even born - she didn't know what was coming and yet she cherished everything within her.  What a lesson for all of us.  There is a popular Christmas song, "Breath of Heaven", that I used to love because of its haunting melody and the words of Mary.  Now, the song grips me and I have to stop, close my eyes, and let the tears fall in my heart as I cry out, "Breath of Heaven hold me together, be forever near me, breath of Heaven..."