How Am I Doing?....

When we were in the NICU I saw some t-shirts that said "Riding the roller coaster of the NICU".  It was so true - one hour good news and you feel on top of the world, full of hope, the next hour bad bad bad news and you have plunged all the way back down again.  I have never enjoyed roller coasters.  The last time I was on one was when we were on our honeymoon - I did it for my husband, but I kept my eyes shut the whole time and kept telling myself as my hands gripped the security bar in front of me that it would all soon be over, and it always was.  The difference between roller coasters that one chooses to ride and the emotional kind that we do not choose to ride is, well I guess there are several, first one is a choice and the other is not, and one we know is coming to an end soon and the other we don't know when or if the end will ever come.  As I would stand in line to get on a roller coaster on our honeymoon I would watch the people before me successfully complete their ride having survived, and tell myself that if they can do it I can too.  Isn't that true for most of life struggles, we want to see those who have gone before, what have they done, how are they surviving?  Seeing that someone else has been there before us gives us strength to go on.  That is why we are trying out a "infant loss" group/class that runs for six weeks to see if we can meet more couples who are there now or have been there before.  Many people often ask me, How are you doing?...I never quite know what to say, it really all depends on the day and where I am on the roller coaster.  Am I on the way up a hill (that I can handle) or am I plunging down the other side (that is much more difficult).  Every day is different and sometimes hours within a day are drastically different from the other.  I might be being silly with my boys and having great fun smiling over their antics or word choices one moment, and the other wanting to crawl in the corner under a blanket and cry my eyes out.  It is exhausting.  So, to answer the question.  I don't know how I am doing, but I do know that I am on the roller coaster - having chosen to stay and live through this.  Hoping that the upward climbs get more frequent, and the downward plunges are not as steep.  Hopefully one of these days I will be able to open my eyes and unclench my hands and find the roller coaster is slowing which can only mean that the end is in sight - though I fear that I might be on this roller coaster for a long long time - it will probably change its speed and dramatic intensity but I will still be in the front car holding on.