Facing the Holidays

I had someone ask me this week how we were doing with the Holidays coming.  They asked because they knew from others who had lost a loved one that the Holidays could be especially hard.  And, I won't deny it - they are.  And they are for a multitude of reasons, especially this one.  I find myself doing today, what I told myself I was not going to do - facing the six month anniversary of Ethan's death and thinking about how old he would have been and what he would have been doing if God had allowed him to be healthy.  I chose early on to tell myself that God only wanted Ethan here for the short time that he was and that he did the "work" he was here to do and so he never would have made the developmental milestones one at a time.  But, that is easier said than done.  Holidays are and always have been for families.  They are a time to come together, celebrate each other and enjoy being with each other, and we find ourselves this Holiday, for the second Holiday in a row missing a member of our family.  Last year as I anticipated getting out the Christmas tree I performed our annual Christmas tradition of purchasing a new ornament for each child - something that holds a memory of the past year.  Last year, I purchased a little fairy for our baby "Faith" we miscarried.  And this year, I found a "snug as a bug" baby ornament for Ethan.  And as I set up the tree this weekend, I will place both of their ornaments along side the growing numbers of their brother's.  That is the hard part of the Holidays knowing that we are missing two precious ones, that our arms long to hold, and our lips long to kiss.  It is a strange experience living with our family in two different places - knowing the ones we can see now, and longing for the ones we will see again someday.  As we face the Holidays we get through the longing, the sometimes forced smiles, and brush away the tears in our quiet moments only by the knowledge in our hearts that there WILL BE a Holiday when we will ALL be together - when we all fly away, oh what a Holiday that will be!