How Many Children Do You Have?

I used to love answering that question...  In the time since Ethan's death and our miscarriage I have cringed when the nice store clerk asks me how many children I have when I am obviously buying for kids or have one with me.  I never really know what to say and I freeze in a moment of panic because in my heart I have four, but I only have the evidence of two with me.  I have said "four" with a smile, but then get the next question: Wow, you must be busy, what are their ages?, now what do I say?  Well, I have a six year old, and a three year old, my two babies are in the arms of heaven.  - say that to someone who is just being kind and watch their whole day/face change.  But that isn't always the case, I have meet more people who have been touched by miscarriage or the death of an infant in that way.  The painful loss is not so foreign to people around us, but we don't talk about it.  It is always surprising to find someone else who has been faced with living after the death of their baby, but that instant connection is there.  They understand me  like no one else can - they've walked this road, and they are still here - living.  We met a lovely couple last night at our group. They released their infant daughter to the arms of heaven 15 years ago, and then three years ago released their 18 year old daughter into the arms of heaven.  They could tell us their story with such peace, and smiled so beautifully when talking about their daughters.  The secret to their joy is their faith - this amazing unstoppable faith and trust that just flowed from them.  We asked them how, how can you be so full of peace and joy and trust God so strongly after all that your family has been through.  They said, of course there have been hard times, and they did not always have that peace, joy and trust, but they have been intentional about it.  They have purposed each day to living honestly in the presence of the Lord - and some days when they can't utter anything else they say only, "Jesus, I trust in You."  They also shared that they do not live in fear - they have no fear of the future - it is in God's hands and sometimes what He allows to happen does not make sense to us, but they know that the glories of Heaven await them and there they will be reunited with their daughters.  Then they shared - not that they are in a rush to get there, for they have a lot of work to do here on earth yet - that they do.  I have never before met a family who has been through all that they have not only loosing two daughters, but siblings at a young age and parents, going through cancer, loss of jobs, etc. and just radiate peace and joy - God truly is doing amazing things through them through their painful experiences and they touched our hearts deeply.  Oh that someday, God will give to us that peace and joy, and use us to touch the hearts of others - what an honor, what a gift.